2016 has been one of the most difficult years of my life
thus far. I have been having this internal fight with God over the one big
thing in my life I refuse to let him have. We all have that one thing, right?
That thing that we can’t imagine letting God have—for whatever reason. In my
life, my ‘one thing’ (lets be honest, we all probably have more than one
thing...) is control. As many of you know, I am one of the most type A people
you will ever meet. I took a personality test last weekend and my results came
out as, ISTJ. If you are like me, you have no idea what that means. After
reading over the results the test gave me, I learned I = Introverted, S =
Sensor, T = Thinker and J = Judger. This particular personality test gave me a
percentage of each tendency and defined them for me.
Introverted refers to my emotional focus. I am 53% introverted versus 47% extroverted.
Sensor refers to the way in which I gather information. I am
60% sensor versus 40% intuitive. Words that often describe sensors are patient
(hah!), careful, precise, diligent, realistic and practical.
Thinker refers to how I make decisions. I am 53% thinker
versus 47% feeler. Thinkers tend to be analytical, logical, rational, objective
and fair.
Thus far, the results of my personality test did not
surprise me. It wasn’t until I got to the final tendency that I thought…”whoa.”
Judger refers to my temporal and structural orientation. The options are being
a judger versus being a perceiver. Judgers tend to be organized, controlled and
decisive whereas perceivers tend to be spontaneous, impulsive and adaptive. As
the results stated, “more so than in any of the other three personality
dimensions, people usually exhibit a bit of both sides of this dyad.” After
reading that, I figured I would look at my results and be maybe 70% judger and
30% perceiver. What I found was that I was 100% judger and 0% perceiver. “What?
Seriously? That can’t be right, the test just said most people show aspects of
both judgers and perceivers!” is what I thought originally. However, after
re-reading the page and description for a judger, I found I completely agreed
with the results, no matter how much I hated it. The adjectives the results
used to describe judgers are: decisive, organized, resolute, strict, sensible,
in control, prudent and judicious. At face value, those words make me cringe
because they are everything I am and everything I don’t want to be. Growing up,
I always hoped to be the type of adult who lived life to her own tune and
enjoyed spontaneous, impulsive decisions.
Going back to the continued internal fight I have been
having with God, I realize my personality type and this whole ‘judger’ thing
matches up perfectly to the struggle I am experiencing. To be honest with you, I
LOVE control. I love being in charge, planning, teaching and structure. I am
still formulating my thoughts on this subject, but I am coming to the
conclusion that being 100% judger is not bad, however, it can be detrimental
when left out of check. By that I mean ignoring God & shutting him out of having
any control in life. It sounds so easy when I type it out to say, "okay God, I give you control," but if I am being
honest… it is one of the most difficult things I have ever done. Controlling my life, situations and even
people around me is something that feels like it is in my DNA, which is why it
is so difficult to fix. I have heard before that if you let him, God will
change the way you think and make decisions. That is what I am dealing with
right now. I have never experienced this kind of change before, so I just keep
praying that God will work inside of me & everyday I wake-up and am conscious
of the fact that God is in control, not me. My personality is not bad--I just can't let it (for the lack of a better word), control me.
I hope I am not the only one who struggles with this, so my
question for you is, what is the ‘one thing’ that sticks out in your mind as
you read this blog post that you refuse to let God have? Why? What would happen
if you handed it over to him? It is so scary, I understand that more than
anyone, but I challenge you to face the ‘one thing’ you are thinking of right
now, and simply consider giving it to God. I have faith it will be worth it in
the end for all of us. :)
-MP
