A couple of weeks ago my English teacher assigned a personal narrative. It had to have a
obvious, continuous theme throughout it. I thought about what I wanted to write about, and the
only thing that seemed to make any sense was talking about where I found my identity.
I found that it was pretty easy to write, considering it is basically my testimony minus a a few details. When I was growing up I always wanted to say that I found my identity in Christ, but more often than not, I couldn't honestly say that. I am nowhere near where I want to be in my walk with God, but I have made it so much further down the road than I ever thought I would. Anyway, I hope you guys enjoy it and can get a little bit better idea of who I am, and how I got this way after you read it!
1st Grade
New to school and not used to the charter school system, I had quite a bit of adjusting to do. I met a boy named Tyler, who had Aspergers, and became sort of a peer mentor to him over the next four years. Only in the classroom though, even as a first grader I knew it wouldn’t be ‘cool’ to play with him at recess.
“Mackenzie, do you want to play basketball?” he would ask, but I always had an excuse.
2nd Grade
Mrs. Scott was the teachers aid in my class. She always smelled like vanilla perfume and had something kind to say to me. She is the person who truly taught me to read and was the first adult (outside of my family) who I saw as truly living a Christian life. I really admired her. Tyler came up to me at recess one day and started roaring like a tiger,
“RAWR!! I am Mr. Tiger! Mackenzie, will you be Mrs. Tiger??” I looked at him and thankfully was saved. My friend Sara stepped in, “Tyler, I will be Mrs. Tiger.”
From then on Sara and I were two peas in a pod, and she would always be known as Mrs. Tiger to Tyler.
3rd Grade
After running the mile one day, my P.E. teacher nicknamed me ‘built for speed.’
“Mackenzie, you are built for speed and are going to go far in the running world.” he told me. I thought about what he said and I loved it. It made me different and it made me special. I could find my identity in that… that is how I could be known.
4th Grade
I had sat by Tyler every year of elementary school, but this year was different. I thought I was just a little bit too cool. I wanted boys to like me; that was my first priority. This was the year that I lost my first friend over a silly boy. About halfway through the school year I let, what I knew was right, get the best of me. I asked my teacher,
“Can you move me next to Tyler? I need and want to help him with his work.”
Surprised, yet proud of me, she agreed. At the end of the year Tyler gave me a lime green bracelet with my name on it. I felt important, and thought...I could find my identity in helping people.
5th Grade
Another new school, although I had Sara with me, we had to find a ‘group.’ We looked around and found the people who it seemed everyone knew.
“That is who we are going to be friends with,” I told her. “We will be known by everyone at this school.”
Once school had started and we settled into a routine, I met a boy named Connor. Connor and I became the best of friends and had an ongoing on and off relationship (as much of a ‘relationship’ as you can have in 5th grade.) He was the boy that every girl wanted and I made it my job to let every one of them know they couldn’t have him.
6th Grade
There was a true social standing difference once I got to middle school. Sara began making new friends and in a split second I felt like I had gone from being the top dog to the very bottom of the totem pole. I did everything I could possibly think of to fit in that year.
7th Grade
I got involved in a small group and became positive I would never become one of those kids I saw on TV, or the type of kid Connor always talked about becoming. The one who smoked and drank and partied. I was a healthy runner and I knew all that stuff was bad. Why was it bad? I didn’t know, that was just what I was told.
8th Grade
My small group fell apart, and I couldn’t find a church community where I felt like I belonged. I started looking down on Christianity as a whole. I began shoving my way into a group of girls that I wanted to be friends with, but the feeling never seemed to be mutual. I became very good at manipulating my way into group hangouts.
9th Grade
At once, all but one of my ‘friends’ from the year before stopped talking to me. I didn’t know why, but what i did know was that I was terrified to go to a new, HUGE high school where everybody hated me. It wasn't until about halfway through the year that one by one the girls started coming up to me and apologizing- saying,
“we just thought it would be funny.” I forgave them, but I never forgot.
I started running high school cross country as a freshman and that truly was the thing that made me want to go to school. I made friends with kids who were two years older and two years more mature than I. They drank, smoked, partied, could drive, and still ran well while keeping their grades up. This was a whole new world to me. At first, I would hang out and watch them do the things I claimed to disagree with. Eventually, watching got old and I began participating. The first time it happened, I was 2 hours late for curfew . I walked in, broke down and told my mom everything.
“I promise not to do it again,” The lie stung as it came out of my mouth. One thing I learned was that the longer you lie, the easier it becomes.
10th Grade
There was a boy who just happened to be my cross-country coaches son. We started dating and I knew he didn’t agree with partying, so I stopped. I felt relieved, but my days of getting into trouble were far from over.
“Lets hang out,” I texted him.
“My parents aren’t home so I have no ride,” he answered.
Neither of us had our license, so being the genius that I was I decided to take my parents car to go pick him up. We returned the car and assumed we were home free. It wasn’t until later that night when I got a call from my dad that I realized I had been caught. I lost my relationship with with the boy, and the trust of my parents and coaches. After the incident with the car, I didn’t know what to do or who I was. I felt lost and further down the hole than I ever had been before.
“There is a boy named Ryan who keeps inviting me to church with him...I don’t want to go alone, so come with me!” These words that came out of my friend Sandy’s mouth were the beginning of something that would change my life forever.
11th Grade
I got baptized in the Columbia River in August of 2012. It was an experience I will never forget. I
remember being held under the water and lifted up and just having a sense of being renewed. Nothing could beat the feeling I had in that moment. I started dating Ryan (yes, ‘Sandy’s’ Ryan) the next December. I had never met somebody who pushes me to the be the best i could be more than he did. We rarely fought, but when we did it was typically due to one of us leaning on each other too much or putting each other above God.
12 Grade
I talk to Tyler on facebook every now and then. He moved away some time ago, but when we
do talk, I truly enjoy it. I still have the lime green bracelet that he gave me, it is one of those gifts that I will always keep. I no longer feel the necessity of fitting in, being cool, or being the best runner. In fact, I am not running cross country this year. I don’t find my identity in being popular, partying, running or getting attention from guys. I find my identity in Christ. Although it might have been a long and rough road to get here, I wouldn’t change it for the world.
